


All The Little Lights

by orphan_account



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: All The Little Lights, Bullies, M/M, Slight Phan, Songfic, angstish, dan howell's story, drabble at 4 o clock am, not much mention of Phan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-17
Updated: 2015-07-17
Packaged: 2018-04-09 18:59:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4360625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone is born with the little lights in their heart. They guide us when it's dark. When we're lost, they show us the way.<br/>-------</p><p>Life can sometimes be cruel. Dan Howell has been bullied and broken, and when all seems lost, he finds a way for his lights to return.</p><p>----------</p><p>Song fic based off of "All The Little Lights" by Passenger</p>
            </blockquote>





	All The Little Lights

**Author's Note:**

> This is based off of the song "All The Little Lights" by Passenger. You should go check it out!! 
> 
> I do not claim that any of these experiences actually happened to Dan or Phil (except the ones that we all know for certain did). I do not claim that I know Phan is real (like IDK if I even mention Phan in here) 
> 
> If anyone wants me to, I might add a chapter from Phil's point of view? IDK, thoughts?  
> Also, I am American, so sorry if the slang isn't correct...

Everyone is born with the little lights in their heart. They guide us when it's dark. When we're lost, they show us the way. 

 

A light was created when my mother held me in her arms for the first time. Another when my father told me a bedtime story about dragons and knights. One was made present when I had my birthday party when I was four, and I ate my slice of cake with my hands. A light appeared on the first day of Reception, and I met a boy named Charlie who liked many of the things I did. 

 

Everything was great for the first few years of my life. The lights kept multiplying, and I was happy. I had millions of little lights and millions of great memories. 

 

But in Year 2, when Charlie moved, a light went out. And when I was laughed at in class for tripping on my way to present, another light disappeared. Another was snuffed out when I got a low score on my maths quiz. 

 

However, for a while, the lights kept multiplying, resupplying all of the ones that I had previously lost. Everything was fine for a while. 

 

Year 6 was when it started; the bullying. 

 

There was a boy in my class named Devon who had it out for me. Almost everyday he would hassle me, calling me names, sneering at me, and even punching me once. My lights began to dwindle, fading out every time an insult was thrown my way. For the first time in my life, my lights were vanishing more quickly than when they were appearing. I still had plenty left, and most of the time, I didn't listen to him. 

 

It kept getting worse and worse. He had gained followers and they all loved to pick on me. The lights kept fading, but they weren't as bad until one day in Year 10. 

 

As usual, they were attacking me, and I usually didn't pay that much attention. However, that day, their words caught up on me. I began to wonder if what they were saying was true. 

 

Their words took over my brain, constantly pointing out what I was doing wrong, telling me hurtful things every second of everyday. The lights were dwindling at a rapid pace. During those days, new lights were few and far between. I rarely saw more appearing, and the lights that were left were dimmer than they had ever been. Those dark days went for a while until I stumbled across a video in Year 12. 

 

A boy with black hair sat in front of a camera and described his daily life and how crazy some people were. He was funny, and I liked him, so I watched more videos. He made me smile and laugh. I forgot about the bullies for a moment and sat, captivated by AmazingPhil. 

 

For the first time in a long time, a light appeared. Each video I watched gave me back another light. I found out (by stalking his twitter) that we had a lot in common. 

 

From then on, whenever I was sad, or a light went out, I had a saving grace. I would tweet him, or watch a video, or even stalk his accounts, but it didn't matter how creepy I was because he gave me lights. Those lights were the brightest that they had been ever since those boys had started bullying me. 

 

Then one day, something amazing happened. I had tweeted Phil about something, and he had tweeted me back. I couldn't stop smiling. Tons of little lights came swarming back in, and for some reason, they wouldn't seem to diminish. 

 

The thoughts were still there and the bullies were still relentless, but the lights that I had gained helped me shine through it. I kept getting the little lights, and soon enough, I was actually gaining them back. 

 

It was slow at first. Just a few extra here, a few there. However, Phil kept tweeting me, and I kept gaining the lights. The day that Phil direct messaged me I was almost blinded by the lights that came in the masses. I was actually having conversations with the man who had given me so many lights back. When he asked me if I wanted to skype, I almost flipped. That's how my lights came trickling back in. He would make me smile over skype, and the hour conversations that we used to have still bring me joy just remembering them. 

 

I had once thought that I was a goner, because once all of the lights burn out, you have nothing to live for. My thoughts were still poisoned, constantly berating myself; I had been trained not to believe in myself. The bullies had told that I was worthless, and I had made the mistake of believing them. But there was Phil. He believed in me, and told me that I was not worthless. He encouraged me to make my first video. 

 

 

For a while, I had declined. I didn't think I was good enough to be a YouTuber like him, but he kept believing in me. Every time he asked for me to make a video, along with the bit of annoyance that appeared, a light did too. Because although I didn't think I was good enough, even though I didn't believe in myself, Phil did, and that made me feel loved. So I made a video. It was a bit weird, and I wasn't good at editing yet, but I was proud of it, and more importantly, Phil was proud of it as well. 

 

When I met him for the first time, I had so many emotions. It felt like every time I looked at him, I felt another light form. I was so happy, so content, and I felt as though the little lights would never go away. We kept meeting up and hanging out, and I realize that he was my best friend. 

 

I remember when I moved to Manchester and studied law. y lights had been flickering out once again as the stress of Uni slowly wormed its way into my brain. When the existential crisis hit, I remember the lights being dim, but Phil was there to help me laugh and brighten them up once more. When I dropped out of Uni, I could feel the lights dimming at an alarming pace. 

 

I was terrified. I was scared that I would become a failure and end up nowhere in life. I was honestly scared that all the lights would leave me, and I would go back to that shell of a person that I was before YouTube. But Phil stayed there with me. He didn't leave me like I had expected he would have, instead, he did the opposite; he asked me to move in with him. 

 

I was excited to say the least. I gladly accepted and then we lived together. However, it wasn't all fun and games. We argued and fought. Several lights dimmed out, but they always came back without a doubt when one of us apologized. 

 

My first meet-up was always one of my favorite memories. I honestly never realized how many people actually watched my videos. Every person that I hugged, every autograph that I signed, every smile that was tossed my way created a light that floated along in my heart. Then BBC Radio asked us to do a Christmas show, and I was over the top with joy. 

 

I kept making videos, and people kept watching them, and everything was looking up. We moved to London, into a bigger, nicer apartment. I couldn't believe how we could afford it, but we were making money with YouTube. We hosted another Christmas show on BBC Radio 1, and I guess they liked us enough, so they hired us to be weekly hosts. There were so many lights. When I was at that low point, I had never thought that I would get out of it. But here I was, years later, with one million subscribers. Every time I thought about it, I thought I was going to explode, but it must have been the feeling of more little lights joining the multitude. 

 

At playlist live, whenever I was introduced, and I heard the screams and cheers, I could almost cry. There were so many people. So many people that I had hopefully brought lights to. Whenever anyone says that I have given them hope in anyway, they have given me hope. 

 

I hit the two million mark, and I almost fainted. There were so many instances where my heart kept filling up, like when Phil and I won the Golden Headphones, or when we hosted backstage at the Teen Choice Awards and met Fall Out Boy. 

 

And the instances kept going. Phil and I made a gaming channel, and the gaming channel hit one million. We wrote a book, and we're going on tour. People come up to me on the street and recognize me. 

 

There will never be a day when I don't remember how I almost lost all of the lights. When I look at what I'm doing, and I see how many people I have affected, my heart swells a bit. I used to hate myself. I used to loathe my existence, but then I watched a video. It still shocks me today how and why Phil decided to reply to me. It's amazing how many little lights he brought into my life, and how I could be someone's Phil. I could bring the lights to someone, and if that someone is reading this right now, just know it gets better. You are beautiful, and marvelous, and those people who bring you down are losers. If something gives you happiness and brings lights, do that. Why should you care if others don't like it? It gives you lights, so do it! If you ever feel like your lights are fading, remember me and my story, and know that it gets better. 

 

To quote a wise teenager, "I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, my friend." 

 

Okay, no? Too many feels? 

 

Well you know what they say: "Don't cry! Craft!!!" 

 

\------------- 

 

Everyone is born with the little lights in their heart. They guide us when it's dark. When we're lost, they show us the way. 

 

A light was created when I was first recognized in public. Another appeared when I told Phil that I love him, and yet another when he told me that he felt the same way. One was made when we had our first kiss, and another when I met other YouTubers. A light appears every time that I get ready for a radio show, and every time I mess around with Dil. And lately, the lights have stayed.


End file.
